30 Days of submission: Day 4

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Inside of my relationships, I steer clear of being Dominant. It's never been something I've had to consciously think about not doing- it doesn't happen because I'm just simply not wired that way.

Even in my current vanilla relationship, I'd certainly be inclined to say I am the more submissive between the two of us. Of course, it's not an obvious show of submission most of the time, though.
My partner and I are on an equal, level grounding. It's not what I would pick as the 'ideal' option if ever there was one but it works. It works for me because I know that makes him happy, and part of my submissive nature, if not almost all of it, is about making my significant other 'happy'. I don't get a kick or a thrill out of being more Dominant than I would usually be; I don't get that inner-peace that I experience through submission, through being his equal partner but it doesn't make me unhappy either. I am comfortable.

Before my current relationship, I've never considered being a Dominant woman. Nothing about it really appeals to me and most everything about it almost stands against my personal beliefs. I once tried 'topping' - nearly eight years  ago. It wasn't something I chose to explore for my own curiosity but more something I agreed to do before deciding I definitely fell into the submissive category of kinksters. I needed to be sure of what I wanted before I properly started my journey onto the scene.
I try not to think too hard about the experience but I remember it being awkward, clumsy, uncomfortable and truly dissatisfying. It stirred no emotion other than a sense of dread and it certainly didn't spark any of my arousal fuses.

More recently I've considered the possibility of 'switching'. Even now though, it's not an attractive thought as such but something I'm contemplating out of what I feel may become a necessity. My partner and I engage in kink and sexual power-exchange. It's a new element to our otherwise vanilla relationship and it happens only very occasionally (mainly due to a longer-distance relationship) but my God...when it happens, it happens...
It feels incredibly good being submissive to him in the bedroom. My mind becomes engaged, my body becomes so much more sensitive to his touch, his words. I can feel a transformation take over, my confidence starts to soar and I feel like I'm becoming insatiable. I get this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach that sends waves through to my heart (it literally feels that overwhelming) and I am consumed with aches and desires to completely submit to him and please him.  I am taken to a different place, somewhere cathartically beautiful and I fall for him - hard.

So, you may be wondering now where the contemplation of 'switching' even comes into things.
I guess fear plays a massive part in it all. Where as I am used to being able to relinquish control, I am now in a position where I need to keep hold of it. At least, part of it and I fear that I will become so content with my submission to him in the bedroom, that I will start to feel incapable of leaving it there. Already, that is a very real possibility. In my mind I have worked it out that if I can 'top' sometimes, sexually that it will make the 50/50 ratio within the rest of our relationship, a much easier dynamic.  I am also aware that the more I relax into being submissive around him, the much more open I am as a person. I allow emotion to play a much more significant part than I do without being submissive. Which is good and can be a beautiful thing, but at a time where I am still working on becoming a more sufficient vanilla partner, I need to be more in control of my feelings.

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