Breaking the rules.

When I told Daniel about Dominance and submission, what it was all about and more specifically, how I am as a submissive woman I probably portrayed an image a far distance from what he's so far, experienced.
Less than two weeks into this new adventure within our relationship and I can already see the discrepancies for myself.
You see, I told him - a submissive woman submits because she yearns to. She hands over the control out of love and respect and the Dominant man - well he takes it, for the exact same reasons.
I told him submission meant obeying, standing by the rules and guidelines set by the Dominant party and that the introduction of D/s brings a whole new dimension to any relationship. It can intensify a couple's connection, make it more powerful, stable and secure. I didn't lie. I meant every word and I still do.



I remember vaguely, before we got to the stage of properly implementing our dynamic that I told Daniel I was afraid of submission now; that after a whole year of being predominantly quite in control of all aspects of my life, I concerned that I would not be a good submissive. It appears now that the D/s is incorporated, that there may have been a weight of truth in my fear. I am not being a good submissive. I'm not sure if Daniel has fully acknowledged that (but I do know he's picked up on several of my failings this far) but I have recognised my submission is not close to the level I want it to be - need it to be or am used to it being. And you know something? It is so very frustrating.

I know there'll be a handful of folk within the community with several years experience who will shake their heads at my revelation. I already hear the comments of "It doesn't really matter how long you've been out of the swing of things. If you're a submissive, then you're a submissive." Yeah, quite right. I am still a submissive. All my desires, my wants,  my needs and my dreams of the future are built solidly around the foundations of my submission. I want to live my life in no other way than to serve and please the man who loves me entirely. I want to bask in his control, strive under his power and live by his command.

But all those of us with experience also credit this: while submission is a part of your natural being, it is also a mind-set. It becomes something that incorporates into your thoughts at some point every day. What happens when you've gone so long holding the power in your own hands that your thoughts become accustomed to the focus of being Dominant? When there is never a break in the day where you can just switch over from your 'vanilla' life and just.... breathe in your submission, reconnect with yourself and simply hand over? When for the best part of a year that door has been closed shut and you're without the key to let yourself back in?

If you're a regular reader of the Blog you'll know Daniel and I hit some waves along the way of getting to this happier place in our relationship. At some point, things got so bad that I began to loathe myself as a submissive woman - desperately wanting to be the perfect vanilla kind Daniel had fallen in love with before me. He never wanted nor expected that from me, but I needed it to feel secure. Unfortunately, that loathing scratched not just the surface but it cut on the inside. I started to resent submission. More importantly... I fought my desire for it. Now the combination of simply not being submissive and then fighting the urge to be has resulted in this - 'bad' submission.

I am frustrated. I want to be better than I'm being and I need to be.
This is Daniel's first time as a Dominant man, he's barely stepped over the threshold of D/s and I'm already panicking he'll change his mind about the whole idea because I haven't stepped up to the mark. Giving him something that in my opinion, is not what I should be.

Like all D/s relationships go - ours has a set structure of rules. Our dynamic isn't so heavy that our list runs into a book's worth, it's a small collection of reasonable asks, things that should and could be done easily and yet I can count several that I've managed to fall short on. At the moment, punishment is something barely discussed and a long way off implementing. I'm glad of this because I feel our relationship needs to build at a steady pace. But under the sensible approach of taking things slowly, am I swayed to step outside of the boundaries knowing there are no consequences to be met with?
I am not a brat. I will not break a rule for purpose of punishment but I acknowledge I feel safe even when I step over the lines and don't do as asked. There is no sense of restraint. On the other side of the coin, I feel elated, satisfied and accomplished when I achieve. When I have genuinely kept within the guidelines of our relationship, I feel secure, proud, happy.

Just now I'm struggling to switch. Being Dominant within my family structure, my work, my personal life and then  trying to cross over to being submissive is proving a harder task than I envisioned. I guess I've been out of the cycle for some time and the transition between the two is more difficult than I remember it and sometimes I don't even recognise I'm failing a rule until it's done.

I know I have so much to offer Daniel. My whole heart aches to bring him love and submission in ways he's never known it, to take such good care of his body and mind and yet I'm involuntary throwing rocks in the path. I have a lot to change. I have a lot of growing and learning left to do - and it starts today.



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