Physical Punishment - the first one

I'm apprehensive. I'm due a punishment and I believe Sir has chosen the one he knows will hit the hardest, both literally and emotionally.
Now I'm not naïve enough to believe I don't deserve it; infact, I'm fully aware that my behaviour of late has more than warranted a punishment to be served. This doesn't mean I want  it though.
Of course, no submissive ever desires to be punished but sometimes it's a necessity and in my case wherever there's a need for punishment - it will almost always be necessary.

The punishment element of our dynamic is fairly new. It's something that we haven't had until very recently and while in it's absence, everything still seemed to work really quite smoothly; Sir and I have both known and understood I am a better and stronger submissive when I am a disciplined one. Although discipline and punishment are different things altogether, for myself and for many others - the two combined have a positive effect on the personality and submission.
It's important to mention I have been completely consensual to being punished. It isn't a forced act and it's a decision Sir and I took plenty of time to think about before agreeing together to implement it into our relationship.

So, why the anxiousness for something I am willing to have?

It's not our first punishment. One came prior to this a short while ago when  I swore. Sir has an expressed wish for me not to use bad language and it was spoken about that each profanity would result in a minute's corner time - I've spent the best part of twenty minutes there. It was a punishment he dealt and I served while we were apart. It was difficult, it hurt and I cried - but I learned. No, my behaviour in that area isn't perfect even now but Sir and I would both agree that it has become infinitely better.

However, the next punishment will be in person. It'll be our first physical punishment. It will be my first physical punishment in over two years and for Sir, it will be the very first time he has ever punished the person he loves, or anyone at all. These factors bring a lot of questions. Will he be able to carry out the punishment to the end? Will I find it difficult to submit to his correction?
Sir has chosen the cane - 15 strokes to be exact. To some, those with a masochistic appreciation for the sting of a rattan, that may not seem like much but to me, unless Sir hits rather lightly - it seems a lot and I'm under no illusion he'll go gentle, for what purpose would it serve to give me a sexual thrill instead?

Like any Dominant and submissive know - there's more to punishment than what hits the skin. There's the lecture beforehand that will reaffirm the reasons for the punishment going ahead; reminding me of my failure and Sir's own words to me reminding himself of the reasons he must correct my behaviour for the sake of our relationship. Then comes the quiet and isolation - those few moments in the corner straight before the corporal dealing. The time to consider, think, revaluate and prepare to learn a lesson and time for Sir to collect his own thoughts, rid any anger or frustration he may have felt when I hurt him and become focused instead.

But by the time that's all over and it's time to take the strokes - I will already be hurting. My failures recognised, his disappointment profound. There may be tears and there will definitely be an ache for both of us. A sense of sadness we reached the point of needing this, sadness that my behaviour was nowhere near good enough. But there will be love - I will carry a sense of determination to already do better. Sir will feel an inner battle of wanting to protect me and correct me; and ultimately, it will be the correction must come to protect and for us to prosper.

Though, will he still remain strong and see it through? Will he push past that first-time conflict of emotion and stand by his decision to punish? Will he continue when I weep in his arms and my tears hurt him too? And will I remain composed? Accept that my own infractions brought us here and stay calm in the realisation Sir will do this to better me? Will I remember that once the hurt is done, it is over - complete closure?  Will I remind myself through a heavy heart that this means many things - that Sir has forgiven me, I can forgive myself and we can move on; I can do better, be better and most of all - that I can trust him completely to know what is right for us?

My thoughts are mixed. My feelings are tangled in a knot. I am nervous, anxious and dreading the sting  of the cane on my bare skin but for it to be able to do that, evoke those kinds of emotions inside of myself then it is already becoming effective and I remain positively sure I need his correction - however much the disappointment of it, hurts.



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