Where we are at.

The truth is, I don't know where we go from here.
All I can hope is that we're going somewhere.

Daniel left to go back home yesterday.
Living nearly 150 miles apart, separated by a bridge and a very large river was never going to be easy and we both knew that when we chose to make the commitment of love to one another.
We didn't stop our romance because of the distance or the hardships that may arise from being apart and more than this, even after we'd established our personal differences were in fact so different they would likely cause occasional rows and frustration - we continued to want a future together. I don't regret my decision to be with Daniel ever and I hope he feels the same way but just sometimes, I'm made all too aware of the issues that occur when you throw a kinkster with a vanilla and tie them into a relationship together. It was never going to be an easy ride.


Only two weeks ago I was floating, coming here to tell you all that Daniel and I have made the decision to move forward as a D/s couple. Now, I know titles and labels aren't all what they often appear to be, but the dynamic that sits comfortably behind what we call ourselves really is important and it seems our 'dynamic' isn't there at all. We'd talked a lot before introducing the lifestyle into our relationship. We'd discussed things in great depth, he asked questions, I answered them. He'd soaked up information through lifestyle sites and books, he'd watched videos on rope bondage and tutorials and even went along to a local munch and made friends with like-minded people close to him. We didn't walk into a Dominant/submissive dynamic with our eyes closed. We'd deliberated, negotiated, experimented. We were both sure. Or I thought we were.

This time seeing Daniel would have been our first physical time together since we brought the arrangement into us. He'd been my Dominant for a while before this week and I loved being submissive to him even if it couldn't be physical. I was patiently, eagerly waiting to show my submission to him in person; to fall into his hold of Dominance in a more connected way but it didn't happen like that.

It's been a tough and energy consuming month for the both of us and we've been tired, grouchy and not really 100% ourselves. I'd be lying if I said I don't believe that's all contributed to our lack of dynamic. Maybe it has. It probably has. But even so, it remains that we definitely are not practicing a strengthened power exchange and if all those factors are what's buckled the foundations of our dynamic, then even if D/s is what we both want, now is probably not the right time for it.

Before we began D/s we discussed the possibility it may not work between us and we'd then go back to how we were and I think, although the conversation wasn't heavily specific or in-depth, that we've agreed to go back to there this week. I'm unsure how I feel about that. A bit deflated, a lot apprehensive and somewhat sad. But I'm glad to still have Daniel, I'm grateful that we're still an item and that we're both still positively sure about our long-term desire to be together.
'Vanilla' is the wrong term maybe. I'm pretty sure that I'd consider our relationship 'Kinky-Vanilla' when we take the Dominant/submissive out of the equation. Daniel is naturally kinky, he might not have acknowledged it before our relationship but it is there and we both are aroused by rough sex and experimental play. There's a sadistic side to him when the curtains close for bed time and it appeals to my masochistic sexual desires. We like it dirty, we like it hot and together - sexually, we'll probably always be very compatible. Even the night before he left, he had the most incredible exchange of power control, in the bedroom. He was sensationally hot, I was completely consumed. The addition of Kink into our sex life is not something we had at the start of our relationship but I can see it being something that remains even when the dynamic doesn't.

So where are we at? In a good place, still. We're serious about each other and we want to keep working towards being closer together. I've no plans to leave Daniel in the near future and I know that's mutual. A D/s lifestyle may well be the wrong one for us, but love is right for us both. We're crazy about each other and that won't change. Our relationship may have several bumps in the road yet but we'll continue to love, give, care and understand each other and our bedroom activities are promised to be fun!



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