I'm a firm believer that you don't ever truly 'become' something. At least not something like being a submissive or a Dominant. Of course, we might not explore or even find these parts of ourselves until much later on in life but who we are is determined on the day we are born, maybe even before then.
I tell most people that I discovered I was a submissive when I was seventeen. It's not a mistruth entirely - It was aged seventeen that I became in touch with the particles of my personality that make me a submissive being.
But, looking back (I know, hindsight is a wonderful thing) I recognise that I was a non-dominant personality long before that point.
Recollecting the memories of my childhood, I can pinpoint several times where I was submissive - be it at school, at home or even socially with friends. It's obvious to me now even more than it was then - that I was simply never born to be a leader.
Fast forward to age seventeen - By now I'd already tried the 'vanilla' scene. Mildly, but then at that age, who has really done much more than that? Nonetheless, it was a small dose of something I didn't like or enjoy. Sex was bland, unsatisfying - plain. I remember going through the motions of being intimate but that's all it was; almost like a rehearsed act of minimum physical sensation and faked moans of pleasure. We, as humans, are designed to enjoy the physical side of sex - and I did in the sense that cock felt great when it penetrated me but my mind was simply not engaged. I knew that something was missing, I just didn't know what I was trying to find.
I won't go through the boring and complex details of how I got into discovering the community - but to give you an insight, it started with a quick search in a Google box. Several phone calls later, and an address where kinksters met regularly, were my stepping stones onto the scene - I've never looked back since. Through play and close mentoring, things started to make sense; I was finally getting in touch with my roots; more specifically- my submission.
I knew then and still know that I'm submissive, through the way my mind and body responds to certain things...
Like the way my heart beats a bit faster when I hear the sound of metal click around my wrists.
How wet I get between the thighs when I'm being hurt, the way my skin tingles and gets warm when the flogger hits down hard or my ass cheeks meet with the heavy hand of someone taking pleasure from causing me pain. I fall in love with the way I get exasperated from being so used and fucked brutally, helplessly but still find myself begging for more.
My whole inner-self melts when I hear the words...."Good girl." "Little girl" and "Baby girl" particularly when they are said out of praise for genuinely doing... good.
I thrive on rules and structure and routine, knowing where's OK to go and where isn't...I need to know that if I step over the mark, cross a line... that I will learn from it.
When I'm down and sad or fretting, I will tear up and get fearful if I don't get the emotional release that I need to feel better. Sometimes receiving pain and handing over control becomes a need, not just a desire.
Every part of my being is desperately hungry to serve. I want to live to serve... to wait on a man who loves me. My body aches to show devotion to someone always. I want to hand over the reigns and let someone else be in charge so that I can focus my attention completely...on satisfying my partner.
When I'm not submitting... I feel empty, lonely.
Of course, submission comes with it's pitfalls or the parts that are slightly more difficult to do.
It means learning to trust, in unbelievably strong ways. It means being willing to do things that don't appeal to you, things that you sometimes don't like or enjoy but doing them simply because you've made the commitment to submit. If you can always be content with having the backseat, instead of the steering wheel, following rather than leading, saying 'yes' and barely whispering the word 'no' - and trusting someone to know you maybe even better than you know yourself, then you probably have the potential to be submissive. For me, I was never meant to be a leader, all the money in the world could never pay me to take charge...I want to follow, always.
The answer in short:
How do you feel when you express your submission?
Alive.
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