Q&A: "Worried about my daughter"

Q. My 21 year old daughter has been in a relationship with someone for nearly 4 years. I have always liked him and we really get on. They live together and my daughter seems very happy with him. I have always thought they made a good couple. My daughter recently told me that she and her partner's relationship is different because they are Dominant and submissive. She was very open about it and told me about some of the things they do together and what makes their relationship different. I appreciate that she could tell me but all I can think now is that my daughter is in an abusive relationship with a man who controls her and makes decisions for her (even sometimes chooses her meals!). She's is submissive to him in many ways and yet seems happy to be doing this. She was brought up by my husband and me who have a 50/50 equal relationship so I don't understand why she would choose this. Should I be encouraging her to leave him?


A. Firstly, it's great that your daughter felt close enough to you to openly tell you about her relationship preference. When you are in a D/s relationship, it isn't always easy to tell people about it because the lack of easily-available knowledge on Dominance and submission makes it more difficult for people to understand. You've said yourself that your daughter and her partner have always been what you consider a good couple - She's happy and he makes her happy. It's hard for me to 100% say that your daughter isn't involved in an abusive relationship because anyone can be. However, based on your email and the examples you have given -I would suggest this relationship is probably a very healthy-sounding D/s one.

Personally, I don't think people can 'choose' to be submissive or not. We are who we are - we then choose the relationships we have because they appeal to and satisfy that part of ourselves. D/s relationships can make a submissive happy in ways perhaps a 'vanilla' or equal relationship may not and your daughter has probably just recognised this and has decided her happiness is important - this is a good thing!
While it seems un-ordinary for you that your daughter enjoys being submissive -having her meals chosen for her, decisions made for her and generally has a relationship predominantly dominated by her partner; she does this and wants this because it makes her feel content. Furthermore, after four years together I am sure your daughters Dominant partner knows her very well and is likely to only be making decisions which are good and beneficial to her. Remember, your daughter is a person of her own and submission is a given gift - she can leave the relationship if she wants to and a good Dominant will always respect her wishes and boundaries. Often a D/s relationship can bring something special and extraordinary to a couple - just imagine the level of trust, devotion and respect there must be for her to submit to  her partner so willingly and for him to be able to guide her the way he does.

Don't allow the fact you now know what type of relationship they have to cause you worry, where there needn't be. Instead, talk to your daughter and maybe even her partner too if you feel that you need to understand their relationship better to continue supporting them as you were before. Even if you never agree with what they do, you can at least be accepting. There are plenty of helpful resources available if you take the time to truly find them out but your own daughter will be able to give you the best insight of all.