Q&A: "How do I get him to punish me?"

Q. My Master and I have been together for 5 months. We are both very new in the lifestyle and it is the first time for the both of us being in a  D/s relationship with someone. Everything is really good and I love being His sub. We have certain rules in place that I have to follow and He told me at the beginning that discipline will be important to Him but He rarely punishes me.
I know I would enjoy it so much if He did and have even broken rules on purpose just to try and get Him to hurt me. I know He is a sadist but all He does is tell me off and ignore me for a while instead of physically punishing me which I hate. I was expecting punishment to be spankings and beatings not this. How do I get Him to hurt me when I'm wrong?




A. Well, I had mixed feelings when I first read this email but the one that has stayed with me is - Worry -
I am first and foremost genuinely worried that the both of you have come into a relationship you really know very little, if anything, about. I'm sorry if my quick judgement has offended you but from your email alone, several things stand out about your relationship that cause concern.

"We are both very new in the lifestyle and it is the first time for the both of us being in a  D/s relationship with someone."

Given these two facts, I highly doubt that your partner is in position to be called 'Master' by anyone.
To be a 'Master' in something means to have perfected and mastered the art or technique of a certain subject. In this case - Dominance. Five months into a first power-exchange relationship and little knowledge of Dominance, submission and BDSM prior to this, will not be sufficient time for your partner to have learned nearly enough to be labelled a 'Master'. More importantly, the both of you seem lacking in *enough* knowledge to effectively make a Dominant/submissive relationship prosper.
I don't mean this to be harsh, but I am saying it simply because I want to help you both achieve what you each want out of a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Let me start with addressing the issue of Discipline/Punishment. This such vital knowledge that often gets confused amongst new-comers into the lifestyle. There's a very fine line between the two that can become fuzzy even for experienced Dominants and submissives at times. However, they are still two *very* different things.

Discipline is the act of training someone to obey a set of rules or code of behaviour. It is setting boundaries and expectations that they will not be crossed.
Punishment is the method used to inflict a penalty for disobedience or broken rule.

Just because your partner is strict on wanting discipline, it does not mean he will be enthusiastic about punishment.  More than this, there is no written rule in the land and lifestyle of D/s, M/s, P/E, TTWD (or any other label you might want to put on it) that states punishment must be physical and/or corporal. Which seems to be exactly what you are specifically desiring. Another point essential to make here is that punishment is to serve a purpose of correcting bad behaviour. It is not meant to be an act that is enjoyable to either party. Think about it in the context of telling a child off for bad behaviour- the parent never enjoys doing it and the child never enjoys the consequence. It really is as simple as that.

In this sense, your partner's choice of 'punishment' is effective in the way of it being something you dislike. This should instinctively make your mind respond in a way that makes you less eager of breaking a rule in future. BUT - personally, I believe the chosen path of punishment here to be wrong. Addressing your rule-breaking is always important and should always be present during/before a punishment. You should be told what you have done wrong and why there will be a consequence. You should then be told what that consequence is. If the punishment is that communication with you is restricted or cut off then so be it but it should never be a case of being 'simply ignored'.  This is something the two of you need to discuss in more personal detail.

Now, to cover the spankings/beatings element of your email;
If pain is something that you enjoy and need within your relationship then you should most certainly seek to find it. However, trying to achieve it from breaking rules and boundaries is unhealthy and will eventually put an unwelcome strain on your relationship. Be forth-coming with your partner. Any D/s relationship requires so much talking and communication at the beginning of a relationship and effectively, throughout. Your partner needs to know that this is something that you desire and enjoy within the confines of a relationship and by talking it through and asking for  it, pain play, beatings and spankings can become a part of your Sado/Masochist play. Never allow something you find sexually fulfilling to be on your 'wish-list' for punishment.

I hope this so far has made certain things clearer for you, but I want to end my response by offering advice from outside resources. Taking a step into the BDSM/kink community and lifestyle can be a very challenging thing to do. It is a minefield of new experiences to adjust to and with that comes great responsibility in seeking sound advice and knowledge so that you run as little risk of getting hurt as possible. You want your experience in Dominance/submission to be an adventurous and enjoyable time so use your initiative to achieve that.

Check your local and surrounding areas for groups/munches/events and get-togethers that are specifically aimed for kink-enthusiastic people. Online forums and social networking sites such as Fetlife and ASJ (a submissives journey) are among the top most useful and resourceful online spaces to be at. Fetlife in particular will more than likely have the details of anything local to your area too so is always worth checking out.

Also, consider getting yourselves a mentor if you feel you may benefit from the personal experience from someone who's been around for a longer time. (Side note: choose someone who has a good reputation and get to know any person well before introducing them to your relationship.)

Good luck and best wishes.

www.asubmissivesjourney.com
www.fetlife.com/