A hypothetical letter, from the bottom of my heart.

After an amazing four days with my partner, almost a week of good sex - with even a spoonful of Dominance thrown in, then a day of talking over our differences and incompatibility again - I'm thrown back into the scary place of contemplation I was starting to hope I'd be leaving soon.
I've been thinking. So many emotions and thoughts; so much whirling around inside my mind - too much for me to make peace with. I am torn into two halves. We've tried talking, god knows we've tried but it is pointless, effortless. He doesn't get it-  I get frustrated. We get angry, hurt and upset. And yet there's so much I need to get out of my system still. So I've taken to my Blog, my small place of serenity - Just to be somewhere I can actually be. Today, I'm writing a hypothetical letter - one to my partner, that I will  never give to him. One that he would never understand even if I did but the only way I know how to, and can let go of everything I feel...





Dear Daniel,

There's so much that I want to say to you. There's even more I wish you could understand.
I know that you can't. While we are so much alike and have so much in common, we are also completely different too. We are opposites - incompatible, some would say and heaven knows I've even thought it  myself during the harder times, where I've sat crying contemplating our future and the uncertainty that I can't help feel, comes attached sometimes. I always find my way out of those dark corners.

I guess it is the underlying friendship we share under our passionate physical attraction we have for one another, that always pulls me back. It's recollecting the memories of our several dates and the hours we've counted up on the phone just making each other laugh. It's the moments of each other that we've shared- like our past hurts, our childhood memories and our dreams and hopes for the future. It's the knowing I don't really want to lose you. The hurt I feel when I contemplate not having your attention, your gentle touch and just the basic thought of not being your girl. You see, I want to be the person you can envision spending the next chapter of your life with; but being that person means change and I'm not really sure I can do that yet, if at all.

I know you'd tell me that I don't need to change; that you like and still want me for everything I am . While that sounds great written down, tell me - how would that actually work? The very person that I am means that I want and need and crave things that you can't and won't ever be able to give to me. The things that make me feel good and confident are not the same things that have that effect on you. I'm faced with the incredibly difficult decision of staying exactly as I am and knowing I will spend at least half of our relationship feeling unfulfilled or trying to change and become more like-minded to you so that I can give myself the chance of being truly happy with you? 
Of course, the other option is to leave but it's a little bit like this...

I am falling for you now; the way leaves fall from the trees in Autumn-  hard and fast, but I am every bit as fragile. If you touch me, I would break apart in your hand because I'm not alive anymore.
I feel like the air supply to my lungs has been cut off and my breathing has been replaced by tears that even feel cold now as they touch my cheek. It's those times you see, where I feel desperate for release...where I would give anything to feel the sting of a nine-tail hit across my skin, where my wrists physically ache for the sensation of rope holding them together and my tongue begs to experience the plastic taste of a ball gag.

I get nervous with you when we're intimate. My sex-drive has taken a hike.
Maybe it's because I know that even as gorgeous as you are, as beautiful as you feel against my body, that my mind will still be needing more long after we hit the climax point. Maybe it's because my confidence is the lowest I've felt it in a long time. The knowing I can't pull my usual cock-worship tricks out of the bag and make them work for you. Maybe it's because I don't feel empowered as a sexual being anymore, that even though everything we do still feels good - it doesn't stimulate my mind in the ways I've become accustomed to feeling.

I need you to know that this isn't just a sexual kick for me either, that a  few soft spanks to my ass-cheek while we are hard-fucking is never going to give me the satisfaction I crave. No, it goes far deeper than that. It is in my blood to submit and serve. I want to be on my knees, always at the side of your feet. My heart desires to hand over control and responsibility and to be under the will of someone else. I need boundaries, I need a firm look that tells me when to stop when an argument is accumulating and my obvious lack of self-control is not enough to keep me straight. I thrive on the restrictions of a strict routine, rules that reign me in when I need to be. My whole being desires to submit to a Dominant other half.

I get a little frustrated with you and a lot angry with myself. Some days I want to shout at you, beg you to meet me half way even though I know that could never work for you. Some nights I pray that it might.  I am angry at myself for needing more than you can give. I self-loathe because I know everything about who I am right now, is the reason for our problems.

You tell me you never expect me to change. But then who can really live like that?

I know that the only way for us to work is if I come around to your way of thinking, believing that a relationship should be a 50/50 equal partnership; that life is good without bondage and pain, discipline and routine. You tell me you'll be patient, you'll wait for me to reach that place of content with being the other half of a vanilla relationship.

But what if that never really happens? And a year from now, I find that I'm still thinking about the things my mind desires at this moment? Even if I can become comfortable with life without submission, I know I can never pick out the parts of my DNA that make me a submissive woman.
So when you look at me and for the first time, tell me that you love me....will you instead have just fallen for the person I am when all those parts of me are hidden?

Those thoughts make my heart ache.

Yet there is so much about you that makes me happy. You are my best friend, all I can think about when I am not with you. You are an incredible lover, a gorgeous person- inside and out. Your heart is like a block of gold. You have qualities I dreamed of finding in someone, but never thought I'd have. You are considerate and kind. You care. You are completely perfect in hundreds of ways and I can't bear to stand the thought of losing you.


So much so, that I fear I might rather lose part of myself instead...