The soul-searching period.

 

 

So, this post and entire Blog has come to publication after a while spent soul-searching.

Starting a relationship with Daniel was easy - maintaining it at a level where we can both be completely happy with one another, has been more difficult. It's to no fault of Daniel's and even though I've spent the last couple of weeks punishing myself and Daniel for it; I recognise now it isn't my fault either. When it comes down to it - we are just two very different people trying to make the same thing work for us.

 

I've told myself for the last two months, that if I was to make Daniel truly happy then I would need to change. I would have to let go of some of my personality traits (or flaws, as I envisioned he would see them) to become the kind of person Daniel would usually choose to be with - and God only knows, I tried to change. I pretended so hard that I almost convinced myself that I would be contented enough with all the 'vanilla' aspects of a relationship that I would eventually stop desiring the structure of a D/s relationship that generally appeals to me. I have been foolish because the reality is - you can never change who you are and I'm finally accepting that that's alright.

 

Daniel knows a lot about me. He has become fond of the person I am without really relating the parts that make me myself, to being submissive. He likes many of my relationship values - like the way I believe a man should be treated, my devotion to someone once I am committed to them and a few other things we have mentioned between us before and this all bodes well for a healthy relationship with him. The things he will never match my enthusiasm for are the dominance, control and power-exchange. I don't think he'll ever find the appeal of my masochistic nature and desires either. I have taken our differences and told myself for Daniel to properly accept me and like me as a whole person he would either need to appreciate those things about me or that I would have to change them.  After a whole lot of consideration - I realise it probably doesn't really matter. Those parts of me never come into play with us and so whether he likes them or not is completely irrelevant. What is relevant is that I learn to accept those things about myself - even in a relationship where I cannot express them fully.

 

I have recognised how dependant I become on my submission when it is there. I find my self-confidence in showing cock-worship and being bound and teased with my entire body on display. I find my inner peace through being hurt - almost as if my body connects with my mind through the experience of pain. I find comfort in being restrained - I feel *safest* when I am physically unable to move. I feel empowered and strong when I am under the will of another persons' command. When I am showing my affection and devotion to someone by truly looking after them - I feel like I am thriving as a better person. Because so many of these practices are not part of our relationship - somewhere along the way, I lost my confidence, my sense of self and peace and my safety net.

 

Now, I am on the road to finding them again.

So what if I cannot suck Daniel's cock as much and as often as I sometimes want to? I still do, and he likes it when I'm on my knees, mouth open waiting for him. I enjoy our sex life and intimacy and I do feel safe when he holds me after intercourse. In the meantime, he appreciates the way I believe a man should be treated and the ways I would treat him - and I know I will gain personal pleasure in taking care of him in the best way I can.

 

Now and again he surprises me with a tight grip on my throat and some hair pulling. He'll even drop the little words in that make me wet between the thighs.

So for now and the foreseeable, I'll take his small dose of rough while we're fucking, and let his 'little girl' and 'good girl' comments repeat over in my head when I need them to.